no comment.

Media Arts is a failure for me.
Did I reaaallly think I could strive well in that class?
and History!
It's just pure damned luck
that I got well on my unit test
which will make up for my stupid project that I stayed up all night doing..
The reflection I liked it.
though my brother hated looking through it for me, because it was totally against "writing styles in general".
Does that mean I did it wrong?
And science.
I have ideas and I have plans but I can barely ever have any materials to do my work
Thank GOD that next week is almost empty.
Agh.
My day went like this:

-Woke up
-fell asleep again
-was late picking Jae up
-she wasn't herself. (probably mad at me b/c I said that its impossible to be a double major at cawthra. well, it is!

pause pause
So, yesterday, she told me that one of her friends that was a vocal major, next semester was going to be BOTH a piano major AND a vocal major.
Reasons LOGICALLY this cannot happen:
-if you accompany yourself, your vocal and piano technique/concentration is lessened almost 50%. Therefore why we cant.
-WAY too much work. you would have to learn 2 sets of techinque, 3 songs (2 for piano) and all that other junk.
it's just not logical
and I said to her "I think she's lying to you."
and she said "well, that's what she said"
MY POINT??! b/c that's "what she said" it may as well be a lie
her support is that "she was talking to ms malone about it"
uh huh.
You NEED to of course talk to the music teachers (all of them, since you have them all at least once or talk to them once) if you are switching majors.
honestly...

Moving on....
-got to history, on time finally
-got test back, very happy
-go to Media Arts
-failure. flash hates me, and I hate it now. It just DECIDES to freeze on me every time I click something. Lord, please fix him? or fix me, so that I can be not so stupid with flash, cause then I'm gonna fail animation.
-Science. Ohemgee. Thanks to my Chem unit test (hopefully) my mark did fall a single percent, tho it should've because of that lab. And I was confident about it too....

Now we have to make a car, and be an engineer for 2 weeks. Dang it sounds hard.
BASICALLY?
We just started our unit, and this is worth our unit test.
Oh, and we are having a unit test too.
unit test X2 = well, mondo stress.
and more and more to come (yay, weather.)

-Then lunch. I should've spent this time getting that much needed quote from the library, but the freezing up from Media Arts required me first.
Lovely, isnt it?

Then music.
I love music.
Class too.^-^
It seriously made me so happy, just rushing in the door after gaping at the freezing program at 10 minutes intervals (yup! even on a different computer IN A DIFFERENT ROOM it still hated me) And sitting down, and seeing my buddies
then fun interval game thing with ms malone, (was subbing)
PERFECT:D makes me very happy
tho the rhythm thing I got 2 wrong. Thank Robert? :P
I feel bad that I forgot the interval method thaat I have to give to Henry.
If only Robert would stop making fun of him for it.
Going into performance, and while we were singing, Patricia comes back, and says the Port Credit kids wanted a music class like ours (door was open)
oh yeaaa.
And we sound goood.
Then we watched this crazy guy, playing a simple grade 7 Chopin piano peice, (im playing it too)
"the one buttock playing" lool. never knew it was really a method.
And the guy incoporated such little things that we do every day, and made us relate to such a simple song, that I thought of only lines and fortes and decresendos.
I played it today, thinking about the video.
hm. not bad.

On the way home, my mom was calling up the people of TKCC to tell them to wear the things they would wear similarly for tomorrow, and called Yejii unni.
The first time my mom was ever disappointed and hurt by Yejii unni.
10 years, and nothing like this has ever happened.
hmmm.
So i'm bummed
then I remember my conversation with Jae.
And science lab mark
and media arts rushed project
and about probably the weirdest day of my life.

Gnar..

man I got no guts.I mean, I have no backbone, I mean, I don't have the courage. yea. okay.

*sigh*
He.
has a totally different schedule than me.
I want to see his face
to feel the rush of...shy-ness? eagerness?excitment?
I dont know......
I haven't seen his face, or heard his voice, for nearly 2 weeks now.
Official, on Thursday.
Will I see him?
I hope I do.
and I hope this doesnt get out.
please?
the last time I saw him, two weeks ago,
I don't know if he was tired
or if he was covering his face
so he wouldn't have to look at me.
GRR the teenage heart.
On the bright side, I think I did really well on my showcase today, my mom thinks if it was competitive, I would've won.
Note: my mom takes music SERIOUSLY and is not biast b/c im her daughter. In fact, she helps train me to be better. lol.
One thing the aujudicator said?(I can use it against any physed teacher now, and get the AJT to confirm...)
Singing is a sport!
bwhahaha
all the muscles in our mid-section are way stronger than they look man!
and not to mention when we sing it sounds nice lol.
This only applies to ppl who think anyone who doesnt do sports and only art are nerds and are gonna end up fat one day.
Well, im fat, and proud!
well...
not really..
*sigh*
he came online again.
to talk or not to talk?
I think it might be akward
it was last time
so im frightened
how is it,
that I feel so nervous
before and AFTER i sing
but not when im singing?
and that
I could sing in front of a thousand people
and not feel nervous or mess up big,
but am afraid to talk to someone
over internet no less?!
=_=
gr...
asking advice now! wahhhrrg.

UPDATE!

OMGOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHH

so much snow!!

well, okay OKAY. I agree the love triangles are partially my fault......

So.

so.

so.

I THOUGHT that I had my mind set. but NO. 

lol maybe another one .

poooooooooop.

I blame the snow for being too beautiful.

Did you SEEE it falling yesterday night?

so nice...

and then watched Korean drama. lol.

So like.......influencing. 

BAD!

it acts like Robert when he's determined.

which is rarrreelly.

lol

I am going to FAAAAAAAAAILLLL at the blues theory.

and not stop

and keep on going.

and not say oops. 

^-^;;;;;

practicing is required. *sigh*

so on top of that:

Audition for Senior Honour Choir-Sat.

Comtemporary Showcase-Sun

Blues tech-mon

practice for blues theory-tues

blues song (perf.)-wed

blues song (theo.)-thursday??!?! please no.

philharmonic dress rehearsal- next friday

philharmonic CONCERT- next saturday

wow.

I

am 

DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!

nonononononnonono

gotta be optimistic. hopefully? maybe??

busy busy

and there's this sickness going around...........................

people throwing up, fainting, leaving school for it.

CANT do that

gwarrrr!

the joint night is going...okay, but the dance might have to become a EM performance if no one comes from KM this week.

& 

why is it called "joint"? I say joined, but then again, Joint sounds a little cooler. In a sense.

blahhh!!!!!

okay so I got busted for writing this in class so...G2G~~

ill write later

-----------------

okay, so im back again, 10 minutes left of class.

So, how do I feel right now?

tired

stressed (as in MUST PRACTICE)

hungry

CONFUSED

aaaaagainnn..

blah teenage life.

in history, we were called "the new species" lol.

being part of this new species suck

at least my year are the last teens to drive at 16 instead of 18 (ahaha)

and oh well

only artt (as in all of them) can calm me down now

well, maybe not blues. or jazz. b/c scatting makes me worry more.

=)

lol OKAY.

SO.

I am apparently AGAIN being manipulated somehow into liking someone again.

Not saying that I do, just that, they're trying.

And guess who that is? (who is trying to get me to like someone)

Robert no less.

AANDDDDDDD

I actually KNOW the guy from elsewhere.

+?

1.Korean. lol

2.smart. lol.

3.plays piano yay!

4.know how to play some modern stuff. yay?

lol. That's really all I know about him, and that he's  a sort. of shy person

BUT then again, MOST (wrote all, but then again that's not true if you come to Cawthra..) asians are portrayed as quiet, gets good grades (LOL NOOOOO), spazzes about bad grades (yea okay...) and is shy.

well, we SEEM like that

but the truth is

we never shut up. ^-^;

fun fun fun fun

And AGAIN. AUGHHH

stuck in a mysterious love triangle.

Any attempt out of these comes another one more fierce than before. *sigh*

btw, that is how SOMEHOW i got with my bf........

(winner of love triangle? its kinda bad to think that way though......)

and ANOTHER ONE

I really hate Korean dramas now...

I watched a couple the last couple of weeks, and SOME of the situations were EXACTLY like my life. Though, in different country, language, and people.

Wow!

Beethoven Virus was good.

But I only watched 1/2 of the first episode beforehand, and it didn't fully load for me, so I was all :@

but it was good!

and so cuteeee

And I was so sad. 

b/c the one episode I watched was like their climax concert (but still more to come) and the trumpet player finally likes the girl, but then the girl likes the conductor WHILE still liking the trumpet player still.

wahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

*situation of my life*

over

and over again.............

I don't know what happens after, maybe I'll ask the EX. (he watches it) And if it's anything like my reality, I'll be even moooorrreee freaked out.

@~@.

^-^

okay, I know I just wrote something...

but that was lyrics to my blues unit soo. yea.

I still cant believe that THE robert is on THE RAP review.

>.<

lol.

I think I have issues with boys.

I'm not even kidding....

Or.

my heart is just picky.

VERY VERY picky I must say.

And very indecisive.

=

use of my lovely "bang your head here" sign.

lol.

Having a bf i think makes you more focused sometimes.

Though if its the wrong one,

well, self explanitory.

ladeedadaBAH

Look for

the Silver Lining

When ev' a cloud appears in the blue

remember somewhere

the sun is shining

and so the right to do

is make it shine for you

A heart full of

joy and gladness 

will always banish sadness and strife

So always look for

the Silver Lining

and try to find the

sunny side of life

venting a little..

" When love is kind

cheerful and free

love's sure to find

welcome from me"

well.

Love is not kind to me

nor does it make me smile

or make my heart soar.

Will it never find me?

yea...just a thought...

blahrg.

Can I even pronounce that word?

bla-ar-gg.

yea okay.
SO.
I basically failed the fugue section of music. =_= the test wasn't so hot.
But at least there's blues now, a time where I can be free and imaginative.
.
..
...
....
.....
....
...
..
.

PPPHHHHFFFTTTTTTT
when am I ever?
other than when I am playing Christian music on the piano.
or add lib-ing
I cant scat for good beans if it cost my life.
blahrg.
There isn't much I can do.
It's mandatory.
and for permanent note.
robert IS on RAP review.
Who the hell gets 33 in Science?!
>.<
man.
Im actually really worried for him now.
And it's the only reason I haven't punched him in the stomach yet.
*sigh*
and plus
that would be mean.
GRR
I wish I didn't have this type of mind where "anything bad is bad to do even speak about anyways" would turn off SOMETIMES
instead of being on the verge of crying everytime it happens.
I haven't cried YET.
I was reallly close on Wednesday though..
*sigh*
Tomorroww is....
Friday.
and OMGOSH
I can go to FNO!
:D:D::D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D=D=D=D=D=DXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXD
okie no more ranting =P
It really sucks to say, that my average is below 80.
A lot people say that I still have the rest of the semester to bring it back up.
But, with one thing
it dropped that much
and I don't know how much everything I do will be weighted.
*sigh*
split-personality-mind-setting much.
FB has become like a daily routine for me now, though I don't really talk to anyone, I write notes & upload pictures lol.
PRACTICE!. is required. (not for uploading lol.)
intense second half of first semester, here I come.

break time

So.
This is my break from my maaasssive studying session for history.
And I don't have my science binder to finish the work.
Poo.
And that fugue.
I'm sure everyone has heard me spaazzing about it.
Well.
I had a good reason, now didn't I?
That one assignment brought down my music mark, more than 10%.
Who told me that it would turn out alright? I need to go and yell at them TOLD YOU SO
b/c that's probably the only type of situation where I'm right in the first place (knowing when I am going to totally bomb as in BOMB something)
It's not all Robert's fault.
I should've looked over the rubric throughly one more time before giving my rubric to Robert, who of course lost his...
And I should've asked other groups how they are doing, so I could tell what we were doing wrong.
And I shouldn't have let Robert do it by himself.
But then again.
I have to let it all go.
Since it's happened.
"What happens, happens" as my mom always says.
"You just have to do better next time."
I love how moms' everyday words can really help in sticky situations like this.
btw, i HAVEN'T shown her my midterm yet.
I really dont want to.
Music was supposed to bring my average up, b/c I was confident with my mark.
But no.
One of the ones that brought me down.
now my average is 4.1% lower than before.
That's pretty bad, considering that my average wasn't that high to begin with.
I really hope I do well on this History unit test, and Science summative lab,
or else I think I might cry.
I was actually really close to crying today in Ritz when I was talking to Henry about the marks, and pretending to beat up Robert.
I wish I COULD beat up Robert.
But I can't.
Why?
I unno....
They don't know how strong I actually hit.
so that's unfair #1
They don't know how long I stay angry for at stuff like this = longer time hitting
unfair #2
I like kicking sometimes better than punching, and I play hardcore soccer sometimes.
unfair #3.

I get really mad at Robert sometimes, but honestly, I couldn't have believed that I got the mark I did.

*sigh*

I hummed a tune

nervously I noticed

though I didn't know why

I sang it outloud anyways.

As I walked down the hallways

on the cold morning of Wednesday

I felt my heart beat faster

and faster

and faster

until

I thought my heart was going to burst

then I woke up.

And realized I had to get ready for school.

And so I did

but the dream

did it mean something?

There was someone else there too

Offering his hands to me

arms open to enclose me

in love and warmth

and waiting to give me

a kiss

while the snow fell past our eyes

and gently landing

as our lips met

heh.

That must have distracted me

from the terror that

was the behold me today.

During second period

I was asked to help out

and put some paper into the school envelopes

And I was reminded quietly

in my own mind

oh, mid-terms must be coming out soon

and dismissed it without another thought

And class was great.

But as I moved on to Science class

my good friend told me

"Are you ready

for the mid-terms?"

My eyes bulged

and my jaw fell to the floor

as my mind tried to measure

how much time there was

between today

and the day that

we had performed our fugue.

All I could say, was

"Oh.

no."

And turns out that it was true to its own word.

As I nearly cried after seeing

all those numbers

written down on paper.

My heart still feels so empty

so unintelligent

so unfilled

so

stupid.

Though I don't miss that

ex-lover boy

I wish that I had someone

that could wrap his arms around me

and tell me

and help me

to be okay

it was all going to be okay

and raise me up

from this broken state

of agony

and insanity.

I daydreamed,

my dream of the night

where he

was bringing me out under the tree

under the falling snow

and holding out his arms to me

and wrapping them around my body

and telling me

those words I have longed to hear

for so long

honestly

from that

not-so-lover boy

but now I hope

that he

will be the one

to say those to me

because it will mean just so much more

if he really liked me that way

and could show his face around me

even when he was embarrassed

or shy

or angry

or bored

or in doubt

or in trouble

that we would be able to be happy together

but I guess

none of that will happen

until one of us makes it happen

and I admit

I'm very afraid to try

because

I was the first one

for that last one

and it ended

in heartbreak

and I'm so scared.

Not only for this

but for

my education

why?

If I am

"surviving"

and getting what I have

how is my good dear friend Robert doing?

......

I couldn't think of anything else...

And Robert is on RAP review apparently so....

How can this happen??

He is a bright person, who is really a good student IF HE TRIES

he just doesn't want to do anything because he KNOWS he's smart.

And for HIM.

I know he's doing well.

But, I think I won't tell him a hint of anything yet.

It's just too early. (I think)

I need to know..T-T how to handle this.

If both of them leave my life (again) life would be so uninteresting, and so.......seemingly love-less. (other than God's of course)

On the bright side,

the video for media arts is almost done, we are checking final editings (thank God for Kim and her awesome skillz.) and I'm finishing the soundtracks tomorrow.

BIGG things tomorrowww.

1st ) BIG history unit test

2nd)Video final editing + addition

3rd) BIG science lab summative

4th) SHOWCASE practice/lesson

5th)BIG load of theory.

aw man! just realized the last two..

another something

My eyes are dry

My heart is calm

I sing a melody

without a single negative thought

invading my mind

I woke up this morning

and instead of thinking about you

I smiledat the sun rising up behind the houses

and shared a laugh before anything else.

I felt so happyI was dancing on the spot

and watching the rain sparkle down onto the earth

making rainbows in front of my eyes

reflecting the beauty of the morning.

And thoughmy heart is still broken from before

and my mind still feels like its been torn apart

and thoughmy friends did offer to punch him in the face

and my best friend tried her best to get some type of revenge

and failed, I must say

and thoughI gave up on him

I gave up on wanting to be with someone

for now anyways

and I gave up on imagining the impossible

dreaming those dreams that could really only happen in your mind

who said I can't feel happy?

If you disagreeI say

Here I am

finally happy

to be free

and away from all that jazz

of so-called love

no longer falling asleep

with those ridiculous dreams

in front of my eyes

free from the pain

that always come from those

"lovers"

I can finally smile on my own

and laugh at my own mistakes

without thinking about

if YOU thought it would be stupid

or not

or be just to weird

or not

I can finally make decisions on my own

and live a life close to what I want it to be

I try to hold on to the great moments that we've shared

but what sucks the most

is thatwe barely have any

since we barely did

anything

my heart used to race at the sight of you

now I see you like I would all my guy friends:

A good guy

with a different personality from everyone else

and a person I could talk to

without any trouble

But as your state as being my

"lover"

it's over

and though this sounds really mean

I hope and will make sure

you will never be in that position

ever again.

Because I have finally found my place

I have finally found my mind

My heart is at rest at last

Thank the everlasting God.

just something.

I always had that feeling

that intuition

that you never really liked me

that you were just using me

to make someone else jealous

to feel better with someone new

but I'm not stupid.

do you think I am?

I may not have

the best grades in the world

I may not be

the best singer in the world

I know I have

many qualities that

would make people think badly of me

but I tried.

Doesn't that count?

Though I'm glad we are still friends

I am still trying to move on

away from you

and onto God

but

Satan, with his lies

gave me thoughts and images of you

back in my arms again.

But really.

was I ever in your arms?

When did we ever

hold each other's hand

or give a hug

to show our affection for each other

or seal our first kiss

in the sweet atmosphere

of spring?

Never.

I could only imagine

and hope

for those type of things

and I think

that's what kept me going

I realize

that was wrong of me

and I should have done better

and yet

some people still tell me

"I'm glad you got rid of him"

Sure he may or may not have been

cheating on me

behind my back

without my knowledge

sure he had or had not

called his girl friends and talk about nothing

more often than he ever talked to me

sure he had

pretended to date someone

and avoided telling the truth

and flirted and laughed with other girls

and one thing he doesn't know he did:

I cried.

I cried when I heard, his voice so frustrated

Tears poured down my face

as I held the phone in my hand

when I finally heard

how he really felt

I cried

when I finally realized

only a week ago

he was not going to like me that way

anymore

not now

not later

not tomorrow

nor did he like me like that yesterday

and I sobbed

when I knew

that

he never

really put his heart out there

and didn't trust me

with the burdens in his mind

and left my heart in despair and confusion

I broke down

and felt the hot tears down my face

when I knew

that

never once

did he tell me how much he liked me

or why he liked me

it could have been nothing

or

it could have been everything

that explained

what happened between us

I miss knowing that

I could talk to you whenever

about whatever

and you would listen

and nod

and then tell me

about that one guy you beat

in that game you love to play

"I owned him!"

and I would laugh

and all my troubles I talked about

would disappear

It's like that one story:

there was a man

he was a successful man

but he had a lot of burdens from work

so one day, he was going home from work

and he thought about

all the things he had to do the next day

whom he had to meet

and what he had to finish by then

and when he had to meet the others at that place

and finally he came home

with the burdens filling up his mind

but through the window

he saw his happy family

laughing and smiling

and emiting love from every corner of his house

he couldn't help but smile himself

he then looked at the tree in this front yard

and placed some of his burdens on the tree

then entered his home.

The next morning, as he was leaving the house to go to work

he took the burdens from the tree

and went to work

as time passed by

he noticed

as he started to rely more on the tree

to carry his burdens

more and more

of his burdens would disappear from the tree

everytime he would leave the house

so one night he asked God

" how is this happening?"

and God replied:

"As you relied on that tree

to carry your burdens

I gave up my Son

to be your tree forever more

to carry your burdens and sins

all your worries and doubts of me

so that you can live a happy life

just as when

you enter your home

and emit love from the bottom of your heart"

Love can only be shown from the bottom of your heart

If you don't give it your all

it will die

and prove itself

worthless

and a work of Satan

unless.

God made that person come into your life

to teach you a lesson

about whatever situation you're in

Love is some tricky business then

People nowadays say daily

I love you

I love you

I HATE YOU

no I'm just kidding I love you

Then

how is it that

even though I was in an environment like that

I couldn't even get a reply

when I finally said

those three words?

from there

it fell

it was as if

the words burned through my heart

and I regretted them

though I never had before

why

would

I

regret

those

words?

They are filled with so many hidden messages

they all depend

on where you are

what you are doing

and whom you are talking to.

I can easily tell all my friends

I'll love you till the end

but what if it was you?

what would I say?

what would you say to me?

I am sure

it would not be I love you

because

that's truely not how you feel

you say it

without a thought

mostly because

it is "in"

but do you mean it?

Would you give your life for them?

Would you offer them shelter from the darkness?

Would you comfort them

even when you know

they got themselves into their own trouble?

Would you really love them?

A human can only do so much

and I try.

but someone told me today

I'm so nice

but I'm so gullible.

I know it's true

I've been tricked

I've been fooled

I've been decieved by fools

I've been "loved" by

false

lovers

I've been bullied into

doing many things I regret.

and lastly?

I've been saved.

OMGGG

CAWTHRA BLOCKED DEVIANTART!!!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

bskdfhalsghlkjabfnilUHGKLASNGKASGFKJAEBdflibsdfghlkashrgkajgilwerj21u498347t635uh

45iehdb23 423oty4hfehgery

noooooooojsdofhasoigh;awbga

wahhh

T-T want to see the awesome photography and all that amazing stuff

they are so good, it makes media arts more trying.

wah.

on other news?

grrr stupid teenage heart.

bwbwhahah

.teeeeheee

still life?

treeeee!

bwhaha

<3?

help meeeeeeee(SARAH)

lol

sarah is not liking where she is at

so you can guess im in media arts

lol^-^

^-^ ^-^ ^-^

aww looks so cutee^0^

wakawa............

(why do I keep on saying that?)

sooooooooooooooooooooooooo

I think im in denial

but what im in denial for, 

is unknown

lol..

btw

B&C...?

lol

Bakery and Cake. lol

I am Cake . ^0^;;;

hm.

I think

-lack of slow awakening

-no breakfast

-not much thought while rushing to school (was late for practice)

-not worrying about my usual morning worries

-thought of last night's thoughts, though I dont remember any of the 2 song lyrics I came up with. Grr. again (make up a new song every night, b4 I go to sleep, but never write it down....)

Im not worried too much about B. now, b/c one of my other hunches have been confirmed=)..=(?

but

we havent talked alot lately

maybe we've just run out of topics

or he's too busy to reply with another question. (nowadays I'm trying to get answers from him...)

I think im over thinking it, but I need my Lemon Ice advice. 

blah blah de da.

I think I like him

and oh

Alex got a haircut LOL

so short from b4 ^-^

gr that he has C lunchT-T

and Robert is currently off the hook now

though

he's still being reaaaaaaaally weird

LOL end of class!