break time

So.
This is my break from my maaasssive studying session for history.
And I don't have my science binder to finish the work.
Poo.
And that fugue.
I'm sure everyone has heard me spaazzing about it.
Well.
I had a good reason, now didn't I?
That one assignment brought down my music mark, more than 10%.
Who told me that it would turn out alright? I need to go and yell at them TOLD YOU SO
b/c that's probably the only type of situation where I'm right in the first place (knowing when I am going to totally bomb as in BOMB something)
It's not all Robert's fault.
I should've looked over the rubric throughly one more time before giving my rubric to Robert, who of course lost his...
And I should've asked other groups how they are doing, so I could tell what we were doing wrong.
And I shouldn't have let Robert do it by himself.
But then again.
I have to let it all go.
Since it's happened.
"What happens, happens" as my mom always says.
"You just have to do better next time."
I love how moms' everyday words can really help in sticky situations like this.
btw, i HAVEN'T shown her my midterm yet.
I really dont want to.
Music was supposed to bring my average up, b/c I was confident with my mark.
But no.
One of the ones that brought me down.
now my average is 4.1% lower than before.
That's pretty bad, considering that my average wasn't that high to begin with.
I really hope I do well on this History unit test, and Science summative lab,
or else I think I might cry.
I was actually really close to crying today in Ritz when I was talking to Henry about the marks, and pretending to beat up Robert.
I wish I COULD beat up Robert.
But I can't.
Why?
I unno....
They don't know how strong I actually hit.
so that's unfair #1
They don't know how long I stay angry for at stuff like this = longer time hitting
unfair #2
I like kicking sometimes better than punching, and I play hardcore soccer sometimes.
unfair #3.

I get really mad at Robert sometimes, but honestly, I couldn't have believed that I got the mark I did.

*sigh*

I hummed a tune

nervously I noticed

though I didn't know why

I sang it outloud anyways.

As I walked down the hallways

on the cold morning of Wednesday

I felt my heart beat faster

and faster

and faster

until

I thought my heart was going to burst

then I woke up.

And realized I had to get ready for school.

And so I did

but the dream

did it mean something?

There was someone else there too

Offering his hands to me

arms open to enclose me

in love and warmth

and waiting to give me

a kiss

while the snow fell past our eyes

and gently landing

as our lips met

heh.

That must have distracted me

from the terror that

was the behold me today.

During second period

I was asked to help out

and put some paper into the school envelopes

And I was reminded quietly

in my own mind

oh, mid-terms must be coming out soon

and dismissed it without another thought

And class was great.

But as I moved on to Science class

my good friend told me

"Are you ready

for the mid-terms?"

My eyes bulged

and my jaw fell to the floor

as my mind tried to measure

how much time there was

between today

and the day that

we had performed our fugue.

All I could say, was

"Oh.

no."

And turns out that it was true to its own word.

As I nearly cried after seeing

all those numbers

written down on paper.

My heart still feels so empty

so unintelligent

so unfilled

so

stupid.

Though I don't miss that

ex-lover boy

I wish that I had someone

that could wrap his arms around me

and tell me

and help me

to be okay

it was all going to be okay

and raise me up

from this broken state

of agony

and insanity.

I daydreamed,

my dream of the night

where he

was bringing me out under the tree

under the falling snow

and holding out his arms to me

and wrapping them around my body

and telling me

those words I have longed to hear

for so long

honestly

from that

not-so-lover boy

but now I hope

that he

will be the one

to say those to me

because it will mean just so much more

if he really liked me that way

and could show his face around me

even when he was embarrassed

or shy

or angry

or bored

or in doubt

or in trouble

that we would be able to be happy together

but I guess

none of that will happen

until one of us makes it happen

and I admit

I'm very afraid to try

because

I was the first one

for that last one

and it ended

in heartbreak

and I'm so scared.

Not only for this

but for

my education

why?

If I am

"surviving"

and getting what I have

how is my good dear friend Robert doing?

......

I couldn't think of anything else...

And Robert is on RAP review apparently so....

How can this happen??

He is a bright person, who is really a good student IF HE TRIES

he just doesn't want to do anything because he KNOWS he's smart.

And for HIM.

I know he's doing well.

But, I think I won't tell him a hint of anything yet.

It's just too early. (I think)

I need to know..T-T how to handle this.

If both of them leave my life (again) life would be so uninteresting, and so.......seemingly love-less. (other than God's of course)

On the bright side,

the video for media arts is almost done, we are checking final editings (thank God for Kim and her awesome skillz.) and I'm finishing the soundtracks tomorrow.

BIGG things tomorrowww.

1st ) BIG history unit test

2nd)Video final editing + addition

3rd) BIG science lab summative

4th) SHOWCASE practice/lesson

5th)BIG load of theory.

aw man! just realized the last two..