just something.

I always had that feeling

that intuition

that you never really liked me

that you were just using me

to make someone else jealous

to feel better with someone new

but I'm not stupid.

do you think I am?

I may not have

the best grades in the world

I may not be

the best singer in the world

I know I have

many qualities that

would make people think badly of me

but I tried.

Doesn't that count?

Though I'm glad we are still friends

I am still trying to move on

away from you

and onto God

but

Satan, with his lies

gave me thoughts and images of you

back in my arms again.

But really.

was I ever in your arms?

When did we ever

hold each other's hand

or give a hug

to show our affection for each other

or seal our first kiss

in the sweet atmosphere

of spring?

Never.

I could only imagine

and hope

for those type of things

and I think

that's what kept me going

I realize

that was wrong of me

and I should have done better

and yet

some people still tell me

"I'm glad you got rid of him"

Sure he may or may not have been

cheating on me

behind my back

without my knowledge

sure he had or had not

called his girl friends and talk about nothing

more often than he ever talked to me

sure he had

pretended to date someone

and avoided telling the truth

and flirted and laughed with other girls

and one thing he doesn't know he did:

I cried.

I cried when I heard, his voice so frustrated

Tears poured down my face

as I held the phone in my hand

when I finally heard

how he really felt

I cried

when I finally realized

only a week ago

he was not going to like me that way

anymore

not now

not later

not tomorrow

nor did he like me like that yesterday

and I sobbed

when I knew

that

he never

really put his heart out there

and didn't trust me

with the burdens in his mind

and left my heart in despair and confusion

I broke down

and felt the hot tears down my face

when I knew

that

never once

did he tell me how much he liked me

or why he liked me

it could have been nothing

or

it could have been everything

that explained

what happened between us

I miss knowing that

I could talk to you whenever

about whatever

and you would listen

and nod

and then tell me

about that one guy you beat

in that game you love to play

"I owned him!"

and I would laugh

and all my troubles I talked about

would disappear

It's like that one story:

there was a man

he was a successful man

but he had a lot of burdens from work

so one day, he was going home from work

and he thought about

all the things he had to do the next day

whom he had to meet

and what he had to finish by then

and when he had to meet the others at that place

and finally he came home

with the burdens filling up his mind

but through the window

he saw his happy family

laughing and smiling

and emiting love from every corner of his house

he couldn't help but smile himself

he then looked at the tree in this front yard

and placed some of his burdens on the tree

then entered his home.

The next morning, as he was leaving the house to go to work

he took the burdens from the tree

and went to work

as time passed by

he noticed

as he started to rely more on the tree

to carry his burdens

more and more

of his burdens would disappear from the tree

everytime he would leave the house

so one night he asked God

" how is this happening?"

and God replied:

"As you relied on that tree

to carry your burdens

I gave up my Son

to be your tree forever more

to carry your burdens and sins

all your worries and doubts of me

so that you can live a happy life

just as when

you enter your home

and emit love from the bottom of your heart"

Love can only be shown from the bottom of your heart

If you don't give it your all

it will die

and prove itself

worthless

and a work of Satan

unless.

God made that person come into your life

to teach you a lesson

about whatever situation you're in

Love is some tricky business then

People nowadays say daily

I love you

I love you

I HATE YOU

no I'm just kidding I love you

Then

how is it that

even though I was in an environment like that

I couldn't even get a reply

when I finally said

those three words?

from there

it fell

it was as if

the words burned through my heart

and I regretted them

though I never had before

why

would

I

regret

those

words?

They are filled with so many hidden messages

they all depend

on where you are

what you are doing

and whom you are talking to.

I can easily tell all my friends

I'll love you till the end

but what if it was you?

what would I say?

what would you say to me?

I am sure

it would not be I love you

because

that's truely not how you feel

you say it

without a thought

mostly because

it is "in"

but do you mean it?

Would you give your life for them?

Would you offer them shelter from the darkness?

Would you comfort them

even when you know

they got themselves into their own trouble?

Would you really love them?

A human can only do so much

and I try.

but someone told me today

I'm so nice

but I'm so gullible.

I know it's true

I've been tricked

I've been fooled

I've been decieved by fools

I've been "loved" by

false

lovers

I've been bullied into

doing many things I regret.

and lastly?

I've been saved.