ahhhh im sick...

blah...................................................
>.<
my "husky" voice is apparently is ......blah.

uh oh

uh oh
my
rubric
for the super duper physics car assignment
is
MIA
well, not in action, b/c I havent...really...used..it.
uh oh
I think I know where it is,
but the tables been cleared off.
please oh please let me find it!

For the love of music

I find, that when you are really INTO a song, you don't care who says anything about and sing it all day long.
This of course, is with the exception of the crap those girls in MA listen to. Cause, who thinks the JB are hot/cute/talented. *laughing at the last point*
By this time next year, they'll only have a little bit of fans, probably screwed up their life and someone else's life, and having to have forced marriage OR become a playa. bright future for loved "musicians"
Can they even be really be called that?
It's a disgrace to music, all types.
The most recent music is just the same melody in BOTH chorus and verse, and some deep bass to cover up how much they can't sing or how much they suck at finding a decent band to play with.
Music is my escape.
yupyupyup:D
but what it takes to fully go all out in music?
Somehow
when you are feeling like poo
sometimes when you don't know it,
The song that you sing/play and hum along
will either
1: make your heart break
2:make you cry
3:make you so choked up you can't sing
4: so happy and exhiliarant, that you can't stop smiling for the next 24 hours

#3 happens to me alot.
I don't particularly like it
b/c it prevents me from practicing.
grr P.T. prep.

FAIL>.<

accordingly, apparently I don't.

But im an ASIAN failure. no 90s yet!

my blueprints for my car is done, but I don't know if I'll be able to test it out today.

why?

well, I have bad people skills.

Adding to that note

proving that I have REALLLYY bad people skills??

yep.

the truth sucks.

most of the time anyways.

.

Robert broke my car.

The one I spent long hours debating, brainstorming

and burning 3 of the fingers of my left hand.

It was perfect

well. except for one wheel. It was a little wobbly.

this morning even worse/

is it a coincidence that THATs the wheel that hit hard on the wall and Robert sends it shooting down the floor with only 2 meters of a distance?

nope.

This could be a situation of breaking our friendship.

But I seriously SHOULD beat him up.

I always thank God for my kindness. Right now, I wish that I could've at least smack his head like I usually do for no reason. How is it that when I'm soo mad, I can't lay a finger, and when I feel great, im like poking ppl all around?

it remains a mystery.

is it seriously only Tuesday?

ahaha.

Yesterday, I asked my brother "are you going to badminton?" (goes on tuesdays)

and he's like. "um, it's monday."

LOL.

I honestly thought yesterday was Tuesday. so tired!

All worth it tho.

the Yemel Philharmonic--choir and philharmonic were amazing. And how on earth did we get 103 kids to get together and sing in some type of organized matter.

But still amazing=)=)

The week is going so slowly.

watch as the holidays pass like *whoosh!*

And and and

i finally told someone (well....the only two who I usually tell at school)...reminds me...should tell the BFFs.

I hope it works out..

no comment.

Media Arts is a failure for me.
Did I reaaallly think I could strive well in that class?
and History!
It's just pure damned luck
that I got well on my unit test
which will make up for my stupid project that I stayed up all night doing..
The reflection I liked it.
though my brother hated looking through it for me, because it was totally against "writing styles in general".
Does that mean I did it wrong?
And science.
I have ideas and I have plans but I can barely ever have any materials to do my work
Thank GOD that next week is almost empty.
Agh.
My day went like this:

-Woke up
-fell asleep again
-was late picking Jae up
-she wasn't herself. (probably mad at me b/c I said that its impossible to be a double major at cawthra. well, it is!

pause pause
So, yesterday, she told me that one of her friends that was a vocal major, next semester was going to be BOTH a piano major AND a vocal major.
Reasons LOGICALLY this cannot happen:
-if you accompany yourself, your vocal and piano technique/concentration is lessened almost 50%. Therefore why we cant.
-WAY too much work. you would have to learn 2 sets of techinque, 3 songs (2 for piano) and all that other junk.
it's just not logical
and I said to her "I think she's lying to you."
and she said "well, that's what she said"
MY POINT??! b/c that's "what she said" it may as well be a lie
her support is that "she was talking to ms malone about it"
uh huh.
You NEED to of course talk to the music teachers (all of them, since you have them all at least once or talk to them once) if you are switching majors.
honestly...

Moving on....
-got to history, on time finally
-got test back, very happy
-go to Media Arts
-failure. flash hates me, and I hate it now. It just DECIDES to freeze on me every time I click something. Lord, please fix him? or fix me, so that I can be not so stupid with flash, cause then I'm gonna fail animation.
-Science. Ohemgee. Thanks to my Chem unit test (hopefully) my mark did fall a single percent, tho it should've because of that lab. And I was confident about it too....

Now we have to make a car, and be an engineer for 2 weeks. Dang it sounds hard.
BASICALLY?
We just started our unit, and this is worth our unit test.
Oh, and we are having a unit test too.
unit test X2 = well, mondo stress.
and more and more to come (yay, weather.)

-Then lunch. I should've spent this time getting that much needed quote from the library, but the freezing up from Media Arts required me first.
Lovely, isnt it?

Then music.
I love music.
Class too.^-^
It seriously made me so happy, just rushing in the door after gaping at the freezing program at 10 minutes intervals (yup! even on a different computer IN A DIFFERENT ROOM it still hated me) And sitting down, and seeing my buddies
then fun interval game thing with ms malone, (was subbing)
PERFECT:D makes me very happy
tho the rhythm thing I got 2 wrong. Thank Robert? :P
I feel bad that I forgot the interval method thaat I have to give to Henry.
If only Robert would stop making fun of him for it.
Going into performance, and while we were singing, Patricia comes back, and says the Port Credit kids wanted a music class like ours (door was open)
oh yeaaa.
And we sound goood.
Then we watched this crazy guy, playing a simple grade 7 Chopin piano peice, (im playing it too)
"the one buttock playing" lool. never knew it was really a method.
And the guy incoporated such little things that we do every day, and made us relate to such a simple song, that I thought of only lines and fortes and decresendos.
I played it today, thinking about the video.
hm. not bad.

On the way home, my mom was calling up the people of TKCC to tell them to wear the things they would wear similarly for tomorrow, and called Yejii unni.
The first time my mom was ever disappointed and hurt by Yejii unni.
10 years, and nothing like this has ever happened.
hmmm.
So i'm bummed
then I remember my conversation with Jae.
And science lab mark
and media arts rushed project
and about probably the weirdest day of my life.

Gnar..

man I got no guts.I mean, I have no backbone, I mean, I don't have the courage. yea. okay.

*sigh*
He.
has a totally different schedule than me.
I want to see his face
to feel the rush of...shy-ness? eagerness?excitment?
I dont know......
I haven't seen his face, or heard his voice, for nearly 2 weeks now.
Official, on Thursday.
Will I see him?
I hope I do.
and I hope this doesnt get out.
please?
the last time I saw him, two weeks ago,
I don't know if he was tired
or if he was covering his face
so he wouldn't have to look at me.
GRR the teenage heart.
On the bright side, I think I did really well on my showcase today, my mom thinks if it was competitive, I would've won.
Note: my mom takes music SERIOUSLY and is not biast b/c im her daughter. In fact, she helps train me to be better. lol.
One thing the aujudicator said?(I can use it against any physed teacher now, and get the AJT to confirm...)
Singing is a sport!
bwhahaha
all the muscles in our mid-section are way stronger than they look man!
and not to mention when we sing it sounds nice lol.
This only applies to ppl who think anyone who doesnt do sports and only art are nerds and are gonna end up fat one day.
Well, im fat, and proud!
well...
not really..
*sigh*
he came online again.
to talk or not to talk?
I think it might be akward
it was last time
so im frightened
how is it,
that I feel so nervous
before and AFTER i sing
but not when im singing?
and that
I could sing in front of a thousand people
and not feel nervous or mess up big,
but am afraid to talk to someone
over internet no less?!
=_=
gr...
asking advice now! wahhhrrg.

UPDATE!

OMGOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHH

so much snow!!

well, okay OKAY. I agree the love triangles are partially my fault......

So.

so.

so.

I THOUGHT that I had my mind set. but NO. 

lol maybe another one .

poooooooooop.

I blame the snow for being too beautiful.

Did you SEEE it falling yesterday night?

so nice...

and then watched Korean drama. lol.

So like.......influencing. 

BAD!

it acts like Robert when he's determined.

which is rarrreelly.

lol

I am going to FAAAAAAAAAILLLL at the blues theory.

and not stop

and keep on going.

and not say oops. 

^-^;;;;;

practicing is required. *sigh*

so on top of that:

Audition for Senior Honour Choir-Sat.

Comtemporary Showcase-Sun

Blues tech-mon

practice for blues theory-tues

blues song (perf.)-wed

blues song (theo.)-thursday??!?! please no.

philharmonic dress rehearsal- next friday

philharmonic CONCERT- next saturday

wow.

I

am 

DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!

nonononononnonono

gotta be optimistic. hopefully? maybe??

busy busy

and there's this sickness going around...........................

people throwing up, fainting, leaving school for it.

CANT do that

gwarrrr!

the joint night is going...okay, but the dance might have to become a EM performance if no one comes from KM this week.

& 

why is it called "joint"? I say joined, but then again, Joint sounds a little cooler. In a sense.

blahhh!!!!!

okay so I got busted for writing this in class so...G2G~~

ill write later

-----------------

okay, so im back again, 10 minutes left of class.

So, how do I feel right now?

tired

stressed (as in MUST PRACTICE)

hungry

CONFUSED

aaaaagainnn..

blah teenage life.

in history, we were called "the new species" lol.

being part of this new species suck

at least my year are the last teens to drive at 16 instead of 18 (ahaha)

and oh well

only artt (as in all of them) can calm me down now

well, maybe not blues. or jazz. b/c scatting makes me worry more.

=)

lol OKAY.

SO.

I am apparently AGAIN being manipulated somehow into liking someone again.

Not saying that I do, just that, they're trying.

And guess who that is? (who is trying to get me to like someone)

Robert no less.

AANDDDDDDD

I actually KNOW the guy from elsewhere.

+?

1.Korean. lol

2.smart. lol.

3.plays piano yay!

4.know how to play some modern stuff. yay?

lol. That's really all I know about him, and that he's  a sort. of shy person

BUT then again, MOST (wrote all, but then again that's not true if you come to Cawthra..) asians are portrayed as quiet, gets good grades (LOL NOOOOO), spazzes about bad grades (yea okay...) and is shy.

well, we SEEM like that

but the truth is

we never shut up. ^-^;

fun fun fun fun

And AGAIN. AUGHHH

stuck in a mysterious love triangle.

Any attempt out of these comes another one more fierce than before. *sigh*

btw, that is how SOMEHOW i got with my bf........

(winner of love triangle? its kinda bad to think that way though......)

and ANOTHER ONE

I really hate Korean dramas now...

I watched a couple the last couple of weeks, and SOME of the situations were EXACTLY like my life. Though, in different country, language, and people.

Wow!

Beethoven Virus was good.

But I only watched 1/2 of the first episode beforehand, and it didn't fully load for me, so I was all :@

but it was good!

and so cuteeee

And I was so sad. 

b/c the one episode I watched was like their climax concert (but still more to come) and the trumpet player finally likes the girl, but then the girl likes the conductor WHILE still liking the trumpet player still.

wahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

*situation of my life*

over

and over again.............

I don't know what happens after, maybe I'll ask the EX. (he watches it) And if it's anything like my reality, I'll be even moooorrreee freaked out.

@~@.

^-^

okay, I know I just wrote something...

but that was lyrics to my blues unit soo. yea.

I still cant believe that THE robert is on THE RAP review.

>.<

lol.

I think I have issues with boys.

I'm not even kidding....

Or.

my heart is just picky.

VERY VERY picky I must say.

And very indecisive.

=

use of my lovely "bang your head here" sign.

lol.

Having a bf i think makes you more focused sometimes.

Though if its the wrong one,

well, self explanitory.

ladeedadaBAH

Look for

the Silver Lining

When ev' a cloud appears in the blue

remember somewhere

the sun is shining

and so the right to do

is make it shine for you

A heart full of

joy and gladness 

will always banish sadness and strife

So always look for

the Silver Lining

and try to find the

sunny side of life

venting a little..

" When love is kind

cheerful and free

love's sure to find

welcome from me"

well.

Love is not kind to me

nor does it make me smile

or make my heart soar.

Will it never find me?

yea...just a thought...

blahrg.

Can I even pronounce that word?

bla-ar-gg.

yea okay.
SO.
I basically failed the fugue section of music. =_= the test wasn't so hot.
But at least there's blues now, a time where I can be free and imaginative.
.
..
...
....
.....
....
...
..
.

PPPHHHHFFFTTTTTTT
when am I ever?
other than when I am playing Christian music on the piano.
or add lib-ing
I cant scat for good beans if it cost my life.
blahrg.
There isn't much I can do.
It's mandatory.
and for permanent note.
robert IS on RAP review.
Who the hell gets 33 in Science?!
>.<
man.
Im actually really worried for him now.
And it's the only reason I haven't punched him in the stomach yet.
*sigh*
and plus
that would be mean.
GRR
I wish I didn't have this type of mind where "anything bad is bad to do even speak about anyways" would turn off SOMETIMES
instead of being on the verge of crying everytime it happens.
I haven't cried YET.
I was reallly close on Wednesday though..
*sigh*
Tomorroww is....
Friday.
and OMGOSH
I can go to FNO!
:D:D::D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D=D=D=D=D=DXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXD
okie no more ranting =P
It really sucks to say, that my average is below 80.
A lot people say that I still have the rest of the semester to bring it back up.
But, with one thing
it dropped that much
and I don't know how much everything I do will be weighted.
*sigh*
split-personality-mind-setting much.
FB has become like a daily routine for me now, though I don't really talk to anyone, I write notes & upload pictures lol.
PRACTICE!. is required. (not for uploading lol.)
intense second half of first semester, here I come.

break time

So.
This is my break from my maaasssive studying session for history.
And I don't have my science binder to finish the work.
Poo.
And that fugue.
I'm sure everyone has heard me spaazzing about it.
Well.
I had a good reason, now didn't I?
That one assignment brought down my music mark, more than 10%.
Who told me that it would turn out alright? I need to go and yell at them TOLD YOU SO
b/c that's probably the only type of situation where I'm right in the first place (knowing when I am going to totally bomb as in BOMB something)
It's not all Robert's fault.
I should've looked over the rubric throughly one more time before giving my rubric to Robert, who of course lost his...
And I should've asked other groups how they are doing, so I could tell what we were doing wrong.
And I shouldn't have let Robert do it by himself.
But then again.
I have to let it all go.
Since it's happened.
"What happens, happens" as my mom always says.
"You just have to do better next time."
I love how moms' everyday words can really help in sticky situations like this.
btw, i HAVEN'T shown her my midterm yet.
I really dont want to.
Music was supposed to bring my average up, b/c I was confident with my mark.
But no.
One of the ones that brought me down.
now my average is 4.1% lower than before.
That's pretty bad, considering that my average wasn't that high to begin with.
I really hope I do well on this History unit test, and Science summative lab,
or else I think I might cry.
I was actually really close to crying today in Ritz when I was talking to Henry about the marks, and pretending to beat up Robert.
I wish I COULD beat up Robert.
But I can't.
Why?
I unno....
They don't know how strong I actually hit.
so that's unfair #1
They don't know how long I stay angry for at stuff like this = longer time hitting
unfair #2
I like kicking sometimes better than punching, and I play hardcore soccer sometimes.
unfair #3.

I get really mad at Robert sometimes, but honestly, I couldn't have believed that I got the mark I did.

*sigh*

I hummed a tune

nervously I noticed

though I didn't know why

I sang it outloud anyways.

As I walked down the hallways

on the cold morning of Wednesday

I felt my heart beat faster

and faster

and faster

until

I thought my heart was going to burst

then I woke up.

And realized I had to get ready for school.

And so I did

but the dream

did it mean something?

There was someone else there too

Offering his hands to me

arms open to enclose me

in love and warmth

and waiting to give me

a kiss

while the snow fell past our eyes

and gently landing

as our lips met

heh.

That must have distracted me

from the terror that

was the behold me today.

During second period

I was asked to help out

and put some paper into the school envelopes

And I was reminded quietly

in my own mind

oh, mid-terms must be coming out soon

and dismissed it without another thought

And class was great.

But as I moved on to Science class

my good friend told me

"Are you ready

for the mid-terms?"

My eyes bulged

and my jaw fell to the floor

as my mind tried to measure

how much time there was

between today

and the day that

we had performed our fugue.

All I could say, was

"Oh.

no."

And turns out that it was true to its own word.

As I nearly cried after seeing

all those numbers

written down on paper.

My heart still feels so empty

so unintelligent

so unfilled

so

stupid.

Though I don't miss that

ex-lover boy

I wish that I had someone

that could wrap his arms around me

and tell me

and help me

to be okay

it was all going to be okay

and raise me up

from this broken state

of agony

and insanity.

I daydreamed,

my dream of the night

where he

was bringing me out under the tree

under the falling snow

and holding out his arms to me

and wrapping them around my body

and telling me

those words I have longed to hear

for so long

honestly

from that

not-so-lover boy

but now I hope

that he

will be the one

to say those to me

because it will mean just so much more

if he really liked me that way

and could show his face around me

even when he was embarrassed

or shy

or angry

or bored

or in doubt

or in trouble

that we would be able to be happy together

but I guess

none of that will happen

until one of us makes it happen

and I admit

I'm very afraid to try

because

I was the first one

for that last one

and it ended

in heartbreak

and I'm so scared.

Not only for this

but for

my education

why?

If I am

"surviving"

and getting what I have

how is my good dear friend Robert doing?

......

I couldn't think of anything else...

And Robert is on RAP review apparently so....

How can this happen??

He is a bright person, who is really a good student IF HE TRIES

he just doesn't want to do anything because he KNOWS he's smart.

And for HIM.

I know he's doing well.

But, I think I won't tell him a hint of anything yet.

It's just too early. (I think)

I need to know..T-T how to handle this.

If both of them leave my life (again) life would be so uninteresting, and so.......seemingly love-less. (other than God's of course)

On the bright side,

the video for media arts is almost done, we are checking final editings (thank God for Kim and her awesome skillz.) and I'm finishing the soundtracks tomorrow.

BIGG things tomorrowww.

1st ) BIG history unit test

2nd)Video final editing + addition

3rd) BIG science lab summative

4th) SHOWCASE practice/lesson

5th)BIG load of theory.

aw man! just realized the last two..

another something

My eyes are dry

My heart is calm

I sing a melody

without a single negative thought

invading my mind

I woke up this morning

and instead of thinking about you

I smiledat the sun rising up behind the houses

and shared a laugh before anything else.

I felt so happyI was dancing on the spot

and watching the rain sparkle down onto the earth

making rainbows in front of my eyes

reflecting the beauty of the morning.

And thoughmy heart is still broken from before

and my mind still feels like its been torn apart

and thoughmy friends did offer to punch him in the face

and my best friend tried her best to get some type of revenge

and failed, I must say

and thoughI gave up on him

I gave up on wanting to be with someone

for now anyways

and I gave up on imagining the impossible

dreaming those dreams that could really only happen in your mind

who said I can't feel happy?

If you disagreeI say

Here I am

finally happy

to be free

and away from all that jazz

of so-called love

no longer falling asleep

with those ridiculous dreams

in front of my eyes

free from the pain

that always come from those

"lovers"

I can finally smile on my own

and laugh at my own mistakes

without thinking about

if YOU thought it would be stupid

or not

or be just to weird

or not

I can finally make decisions on my own

and live a life close to what I want it to be

I try to hold on to the great moments that we've shared

but what sucks the most

is thatwe barely have any

since we barely did

anything

my heart used to race at the sight of you

now I see you like I would all my guy friends:

A good guy

with a different personality from everyone else

and a person I could talk to

without any trouble

But as your state as being my

"lover"

it's over

and though this sounds really mean

I hope and will make sure

you will never be in that position

ever again.

Because I have finally found my place

I have finally found my mind

My heart is at rest at last

Thank the everlasting God.

just something.

I always had that feeling

that intuition

that you never really liked me

that you were just using me

to make someone else jealous

to feel better with someone new

but I'm not stupid.

do you think I am?

I may not have

the best grades in the world

I may not be

the best singer in the world

I know I have

many qualities that

would make people think badly of me

but I tried.

Doesn't that count?

Though I'm glad we are still friends

I am still trying to move on

away from you

and onto God

but

Satan, with his lies

gave me thoughts and images of you

back in my arms again.

But really.

was I ever in your arms?

When did we ever

hold each other's hand

or give a hug

to show our affection for each other

or seal our first kiss

in the sweet atmosphere

of spring?

Never.

I could only imagine

and hope

for those type of things

and I think

that's what kept me going

I realize

that was wrong of me

and I should have done better

and yet

some people still tell me

"I'm glad you got rid of him"

Sure he may or may not have been

cheating on me

behind my back

without my knowledge

sure he had or had not

called his girl friends and talk about nothing

more often than he ever talked to me

sure he had

pretended to date someone

and avoided telling the truth

and flirted and laughed with other girls

and one thing he doesn't know he did:

I cried.

I cried when I heard, his voice so frustrated

Tears poured down my face

as I held the phone in my hand

when I finally heard

how he really felt

I cried

when I finally realized

only a week ago

he was not going to like me that way

anymore

not now

not later

not tomorrow

nor did he like me like that yesterday

and I sobbed

when I knew

that

he never

really put his heart out there

and didn't trust me

with the burdens in his mind

and left my heart in despair and confusion

I broke down

and felt the hot tears down my face

when I knew

that

never once

did he tell me how much he liked me

or why he liked me

it could have been nothing

or

it could have been everything

that explained

what happened between us

I miss knowing that

I could talk to you whenever

about whatever

and you would listen

and nod

and then tell me

about that one guy you beat

in that game you love to play

"I owned him!"

and I would laugh

and all my troubles I talked about

would disappear

It's like that one story:

there was a man

he was a successful man

but he had a lot of burdens from work

so one day, he was going home from work

and he thought about

all the things he had to do the next day

whom he had to meet

and what he had to finish by then

and when he had to meet the others at that place

and finally he came home

with the burdens filling up his mind

but through the window

he saw his happy family

laughing and smiling

and emiting love from every corner of his house

he couldn't help but smile himself

he then looked at the tree in this front yard

and placed some of his burdens on the tree

then entered his home.

The next morning, as he was leaving the house to go to work

he took the burdens from the tree

and went to work

as time passed by

he noticed

as he started to rely more on the tree

to carry his burdens

more and more

of his burdens would disappear from the tree

everytime he would leave the house

so one night he asked God

" how is this happening?"

and God replied:

"As you relied on that tree

to carry your burdens

I gave up my Son

to be your tree forever more

to carry your burdens and sins

all your worries and doubts of me

so that you can live a happy life

just as when

you enter your home

and emit love from the bottom of your heart"

Love can only be shown from the bottom of your heart

If you don't give it your all

it will die

and prove itself

worthless

and a work of Satan

unless.

God made that person come into your life

to teach you a lesson

about whatever situation you're in

Love is some tricky business then

People nowadays say daily

I love you

I love you

I HATE YOU

no I'm just kidding I love you

Then

how is it that

even though I was in an environment like that

I couldn't even get a reply

when I finally said

those three words?

from there

it fell

it was as if

the words burned through my heart

and I regretted them

though I never had before

why

would

I

regret

those

words?

They are filled with so many hidden messages

they all depend

on where you are

what you are doing

and whom you are talking to.

I can easily tell all my friends

I'll love you till the end

but what if it was you?

what would I say?

what would you say to me?

I am sure

it would not be I love you

because

that's truely not how you feel

you say it

without a thought

mostly because

it is "in"

but do you mean it?

Would you give your life for them?

Would you offer them shelter from the darkness?

Would you comfort them

even when you know

they got themselves into their own trouble?

Would you really love them?

A human can only do so much

and I try.

but someone told me today

I'm so nice

but I'm so gullible.

I know it's true

I've been tricked

I've been fooled

I've been decieved by fools

I've been "loved" by

false

lovers

I've been bullied into

doing many things I regret.

and lastly?

I've been saved.

OMGGG

CAWTHRA BLOCKED DEVIANTART!!!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

bskdfhalsghlkjabfnilUHGKLASNGKASGFKJAEBdflibsdfghlkashrgkajgilwerj21u498347t635uh

45iehdb23 423oty4hfehgery

noooooooojsdofhasoigh;awbga

wahhh

T-T want to see the awesome photography and all that amazing stuff

they are so good, it makes media arts more trying.

wah.

on other news?

grrr stupid teenage heart.

bwbwhahah

.teeeeheee

still life?

treeeee!

bwhaha

<3?

help meeeeeeee(SARAH)

lol

sarah is not liking where she is at

so you can guess im in media arts

lol^-^

^-^ ^-^ ^-^

aww looks so cutee^0^

wakawa............

(why do I keep on saying that?)

sooooooooooooooooooooooooo

I think im in denial

but what im in denial for, 

is unknown

lol..

btw

B&C...?

lol

Bakery and Cake. lol

I am Cake . ^0^;;;

hm.

I think

-lack of slow awakening

-no breakfast

-not much thought while rushing to school (was late for practice)

-not worrying about my usual morning worries

-thought of last night's thoughts, though I dont remember any of the 2 song lyrics I came up with. Grr. again (make up a new song every night, b4 I go to sleep, but never write it down....)

Im not worried too much about B. now, b/c one of my other hunches have been confirmed=)..=(?

but

we havent talked alot lately

maybe we've just run out of topics

or he's too busy to reply with another question. (nowadays I'm trying to get answers from him...)

I think im over thinking it, but I need my Lemon Ice advice. 

blah blah de da.

I think I like him

and oh

Alex got a haircut LOL

so short from b4 ^-^

gr that he has C lunchT-T

and Robert is currently off the hook now

though

he's still being reaaaaaaaally weird

LOL end of class!

possible lyrics? and update!

OMGOSHHHH

i have mini organ nowwhahahahahahahaaahahahaha

okie okie 

time for some lyrics!:P

........

i lost it>.<

i'll go home and find it later:P

byee!

Check-up

Hey hey

So far this week, I am feeling much better than last week^3^

currently?

i have this strange addiction to

MSN.

aaaaaaiiiiya.

I go on computer to type up an assignment

see HIM :P

talk to him

see old friend

talk to him

need to ask question to P.T member

talk to him

need to send email to Manny

typing email

realizes that homework is still not done

THEREFORE?

at least 3 conversations going at once, with one email inbox open, and document open = very busy desktop.

annd.

yesterday i wore the East Faith Free Hugs t-shirt, and i got lots of hugs! bwhahah

but then for lunch, i was in a hurry to get to the practice room, and i see these grade 12 guys who kind of creep me out b/c of their butts hanging out of their pants (did they do that on purpose?????) but anyway..

I was in a hurry, so i didn't realllyyy notice them, and they had wanted a hug. and uh oh. we have ome perverts here.

Man was I shocked at the vocabulary that they used when I walked past themT-T

remind me to never be mean to anyone in this school

other than those people. seriously!!!!!!!!!

GO and get a life if you have time to use words that are so gross that i've never heard of them!

*whew*

*whew*

*sigh*

*nya*

*blah*

*pi*

okie, so now that it is out of my view, i'll continue:p

Relationship wise?

I really think those 2 guys were joking around when they asked me for a date. why?

I havent seen them either since the older one asked me "what lunch I had" last last week. huh.

I personally think that they just wanted a date for  friday that was free. Well, I'm always busy on friday nights. If not choir, group solo orchestra practice, if not that, FNO!!!!! so BLAH.

and plus

its just too soon. GAWD. and it's not like i'm going to tell them that.

On that topic...

For some reason, I have a feeling that he still has feelings for me.Hm. 

why?

1: always asking his mom to make me pretty (she's my yoga instructor LOL)

2:we used to talk all the time (b/c we are friends, we do that) but recently, its just been like this:

heyy

hi

whats up?

..

conversation end.

and, like robert, refuses to sleep early unless extremely tired. which he is nowadays. Now I have 2 boys to worry about. (Robert is going to get beat up one day and HE is going to sleep through 3 days of school if we leave him alone)

*sigh*

On the bright side?

FUGUE IS (almost) OVER!

yayyy!!!!lol

you know?

I think it's my habit now to write little like free verses on this thing.

but b/c im in school, i'll pass today, b/c I need my lovely study room atmosphere with some music in the background to "feel" the creativity

PPUHAHAHHAAHAH

lol no I don't

but i like it

and MAYBE someone.

at least I know that he is smart/nice and willing to give guy perspective to girls:D(me)

so...

O.o wrote for 75% of class...

wow...

:P oops!

Life in general~

Thank God.

honestly.

without him, I probably would've already:

-quit school (as in Cawthra)
-beat up Robert (like actually)
-quit P.T
-give up on music
-be somewhere that I didn't belong
-trrrrryyy to kill myself?

the temptation for that last one actually almost happened in grade 7. but I was too chicken about seeing blood on the kitchen WHITE floor. hm. and leak out to the piano room. God saved me then too.....

SO.
This next little paragraph is going to be dedicated to the LOVELY egotistical poo-head that I've known for a long time, and as he grew up, he became meaner and snottier and though smarter, he rubs in the face of every single person he sees.
(:P Olena knows EXACTLY who I'm talking about...) yay short story time!

hm...to start off, I don't know if I'm allowed to disclose his name since he doesn't see this. But for now, I will.^-^NOT :P okie okie...

good old poohead.
I've known him since grade 3, and I was friendly with him, though I always thought he was younger than me ^-^;;; well, TECHINICALLY he is, but it's cause he and his older sis didnt do kindergarten they were so smart>.<>.< since I bother him about bothering everything else.

yup. there is the characteristics I've seen from him all last year and this year. Summer is supposed to change people, isn't it?
I know it changed me...thank God! again. can never stop you know.
I hadn't seen Robert all summer actually, me trying to get everything organized for the summer retreat with Eugene and my bro and Christie, before going to Korea in August....when everyone came BACK lol...

But in other ways, he's still a great friend to have LOL though I think he's the only one that would ever almost actually blackmail me in the friendly kind of way...

but oh well.
I raged out my anger at him a little on Friday. and here. so NOW i am happy!
b/c im very glad that he's my friend:D

and next?

# of times crying in the last 3 days including today?
3, and ALMOST today

you know, me praying my heart out that the fugue will go okay Xo
we are going to do it all in one sitting! whopeee
thank gosh for big intellect of ARCT things that "Ginger" doesnt know about! :D
though I feel a little guilty....is that simple rhythm REALLY ARCT? really..

and so, from the experience from this week and the graciousness of this weekend. THANK GOD FOR CHURCH really. time for some new thoughts...

dear God

thank you so much for everything you've done

you have given me everything that I have

you are the reason that I can keep on living

with the help of my loved ones as well

you know?

This week was hard.

I was so confused.

I think I was rejected somewhere

I think I got isolated from the world I once knew

I think I lost a friend for a couple of moments

What else could I do?

Nothing seemed right to me.

I had yelled at my close friend.

I had made the tense air

Then I realized

I had hated whom I'd become

Everywhere I looked

I saw my sin

my shame

my guilt

my

well, everything that was wrong about me

I went outside and screamed

scaring all those around me

though

I gave them a sincere smile

and started a normal conversation

I think they were frightened of me

So I went inside

and opened up Your Word.

and it showed me

the most beautiful verse.

For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. (16)And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.

And I almost cried.

so instead, I went on MSN

and asked my good friend

"What would you like

to hear this Sunday?"

and he replied

"King of Majesty please"

And then

a song popped into my head

If we sang King of Majesty,

why not do Majesty?

And so I looked around for the song

and found it

I knew it well

and I taught myself all the others I had chosen

and to finalize it

I went to the piano

and

began

to

play

and..

I begun

to

sing:

Here I Am

humbled by your Majesty

covered by your grace so free

Here I Am

knowing I'm a sinful man

covered by the blood of the Lamb

And now I've found

the greatest love of all

is mine

since you laid down your life

the greatest sacrifice

Majesty

Majesty

Your grace has found me just as I am

*hit*

Empty-handed

*hit*

but alive in your hands

*hit*

Majesty

*hit*

Majesty*

*hit*

Forever I am changed by your love

*hit*

in the prescence of your majesty

*hit*

Majesty.....

*K.O*

And then I cried.

I cried so hard

I couldnt even play the piano

it wasn't even part of the worship

and I tried so hard to keep the sobs back

and let the tears fall.

But it didnt work for me

And I stopped.

And I cried.

And then

somehow

Mothers

always know

exactly

exactly

word for word

what you really

needed to hear.

"God loves you.

No matter what you go through

even if you get a bad grade

even if you mess up

even if you are frustrated

even if you are angry.

God will always love you.

And I will too.

My love is as passionate as God's.

It will never waver."

For so long

I've wanted to hear those words from God

and my mom

and thank you Lord

that you've given them to me

because I feel so relieved

and even though I cry

I cry

in happiness.

Friday! (again)

Yayyyy its fridayyyy:D

and my Garage Band creation is TANK....though I probably wouldnt be able to use it for any video...unless I make things to the MUSIC and not the other way around...^^

so, I missed the classes I needed to figure out how to edit videos in this class and the explanation given by my teacher went like this:

"so what did I miss on tuesday and wednesday?"

"well, we started IVideo."

"Yeah, I heard that from everyone else"

"Well, that's good, so I'll come over to help you get started but for now, just look on some other groups and see how they do it."

"oh, okay"

she never got to me:P so, I'm going to have to figure it out on my own>.<

on the bright side.......

my composition is on bar 108!!:D:D:D:D:D

very happy with myself.

So, again, I slept late.......not from homeworking or coming home late from a field trip.

:P I was talking on MSN lol.

MSN is like a new addiction to me now.

I have this urge to go on, and talk to a certain person (lol) and talk for 2 hours

Those conversation has had so many topics, I wonder how those even came up

And from the one yesterday?

I am freaked out by Saw 5.....

I only watched the trailer, and its like all phrases, and then this guy in a box comes up and then?

"Hello."

OMG so scary!!!!!!!!T-T

and I still ask myself....

"why did I click that link to the Saw 5 trailer why why why why why!!!T0T"

and wow....

im really liking my composition! (playing around though:D:D:D)

BAR 128!!!!!!

and ohemgee.

5 minutes left of class...

Last thoughts:

-Man, those people are going to be shot one day, if they keep on playing all that muchmusic stuff in class.

-<3>

-oh noo science

-Robert is currently a smug idiot who thinks procrastinating doesnt matter

-WEEKEND! wooot!

wakawa.2

dang. she listened. and didnt bring it up. wow.

wakawa.

Bascially, im really unsatisfied with school

and annoyed at someone who closes their ears once you start talking and refuse to see what I'm trying to say

and angry at that too. Let it go!

on the plus side, at TSO concert I saw JF guys:D and I made the audition

but seriously wow

ive changed to listen
and they only changed for a month from what they used to be, now the only difference is that im listening and making my point clear, but what they keep on persisting even though ive said my answer probably over 100 times now. o.m.gosh. GET OFF MY BACK! please!
tell the other one if you want it to happen so badly
and stop telling me repeatedly
because i am seriously sooo frustrated with you right now

God help me.

Lol

Im serious, today in Media Arts....

I.Actually.Focused.

omgosh

it was so frightening..! that I seriously never took my eyes off the screen.

why?

.....................................

GARAGE BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!<3<3<3

I would love to be playing with it now, instead of posting this:P jk! but my computer's revival has cost me all my updated softwareT-T making me unable to have that BEAUTIFUL peice of equipment on my computer..

and guess what im thinking?

CHRISTMAS~:P

So, I'm either asking for a Nixon D60, or finding out some way to get Garage Band, OR to be patient..

and make this study room my STUDIO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! teehee!
but then of course, I am going to need a lock on the door, for all the music junkies I will soon have in this room: mic, this computer, another laptop?<--for garage band:P, a KEYBOARD hooked up to the laptop be be recorded, and my future music directory.~~~ very planned out:D

So, if you havent read the other stuff, yea, I was "bullied" / victim of a friendly blackmail, and now its over.

whew.

I didn't want anything to happen, and nothing did. Everything is EXACTLY the same. except better. and with one more email account on my messenger.lol~

Now, God will take over! (not in the rule-the-world kind of way, though he does...according to the Bible.....*sees friends about to attack her Bible* NOO!)

=_=; man that was random..

It's actually really nice weather, and the leaves are honestly beautiful, and if only I could've had someone to walk with me through those fallen leavesT-T

Well, I can't help that I don't have a boyfriend anymore, nor do I actually like anyone either (gasp) and it seems as though people are like pushing me towards guys, and I'm actually refusing, unlike last year=_= let's just forget about that stuffz

lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala

Here is another thingymabobber:

Somebody tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo looooooooooooooooooooooooooooove

hahahha tricked ya didnt I? TRICK OR TREAT! :P i prefer trick, but those little kids are just too adorable!~~

annd listening to Freddie Mercury's (lead singer of Queen) Somebody to Love.
brainwashing myself to remember the lyrics and some licks.:P lyrics, licks?=D

why am I so hyper?
why are strawberries so good?
why am I smiling like a fool while writing this?

well, its cause

im in a good mood! for once!

why:
-no stress
-no blackmail
-no boy troubles
-no pressure (yet)
-good weather
-no more uncertainty

the last one?

I
am
finally
over
my
ex
boyfriend

I thought I was over him
but I realized today
that the reason why I was getting so worked up about that stupid love triangle that never really existed
was because
I wanted to him to see how I felt
OONOOOO
not what you all are thinking! (not in a revenge way!)
He and I are still good friends, compared to all those couples who say that they are still gonna be friends but avoid each other like death..
but I just missed him being with me
at this time, I want to say

KELLY AND NICK ARE SO CUTE TOGETHER~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

okookei and also

I'm okay. Finally.

ohh boy...

so, im not screwed. Good news!=)=)

but still...=(

there are like two strings pulling at me from opposite ends, with support on both sides, and school and choir pulling from the other two ends..

>.< class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">T-T

I finally figured out what im supposed to do to do well in this class, and unfortunately, I think she still hates me anyways...or likes picking on me........was it smart to sit in the front? maybe maybe not.....

If you  didnt read my previous blog (from the windows space) i do believe I lost my stalker for almost good, but she has latched on to someone else....and they even said that they were annoyed. I sincerely feel bad, b/c, you know, she doesnt feel comfortable to say anything .hm..

And currently, still mad at Robert! for more than one reason.

And at myself, for not being able to choose out of 2.>.<

T-T I still think that teachers hate me for some reasonT-T

On the other hand, I gored my eyes out yesterday for 6 hours on computer reading manga and talking to Robert and some other people, and ended up running.....sprinting up that little slope going from Castlebridge to my house...

The main topic today was mostly politics...the one thing I dont understand the mostT-T

apparently, Stephan Harper won, and there are a lot of different opinions and poo about it.....

..........

blah, again LOVE SUCKS

one of the perks of being 15....^-^ woo...

Being 15 sucks (x4).

So, here I go again.......

T-T I miss being 14.....so much less problems.

but then again, life is all about moving..

T^T moving too FAST! geez..

Hopefully everything will turn out okay..

....

Basically, the world seems to hate me, and im either being over reactive, or im being quietly picked on.
Love sucks too. Definately not something I would put into lyrics for a couple of weeks.
The output?

Me+Love angst+isolation+exclusion+over competitive congregation = depressed me. (aka usual me.)

Friday~?

So, it's finally Friday......

The week just zoomz by=_=

currently? I'm probably going to be black-mailed by Robert any time now, i got a flippin 75 on a project when all the critera is majority 4s, and i only got the format wrong (so wtflip.) 

Philip is probably going to win the spot as secretary, b/c I lack the experience of student council, also b/c my former middle school prime minster is the biggest pot-smoker our my generation and our representative for grade 10 is an egotistical tall guy who only listens to his friends and can make all realistic into ideal ideas. 

Basically, im pretty down, and I blame Robert, because he is going to make my life so awkward with what he is going to do at lunch (crap crap crap..) and I am only excited to go swimming and dinner for this weekend, =_= Hopefully, someone will give me some insight on this..

quickie

So, there's about 10 minutes left in media arts, and this project is DONE wooo! only 3 or 4 more to go....or is it 2 or 3?

It actually looks really pretty, though for posters I should have someone else with me and shout at me when I write too much....ToT

This is another week, and already I feel like I've been at school forever, and its only offical 1st week of October and Monday at that, so something tells me this is going to be another one of those weeks that seems so slow, but when the week is done, it seems like it has gone by so fast.

There are so many things that clicked in yesterday, which is why I love church, cause while sitting service things fall in my eyes like an artist would on a blank piece of paper. (i really love that analogy....is that the word?) 

Well, announcements are going to start in 5 minutes so this is the end! byeee 

a whole week?

Wow, a whole week has gone by, and I'm extremely more happy than I was. I am in schedule!
Though, right at this moment, I should be doing my science project............

BUT instead I'll talk here, though I think only Olena will see this first....bwhahaha
I am very excited for tomorrow, because I have a feeling that this feeling will be contagious
bwahaha

JA NE~!

One thing I really hate

People who can't make up their mind.


I do that alot too, but not last minute.


And I am very very frustrated right now I could rip my hair out and not be sorry....well for the moment.


GOSH make up your mind!!!!!! so we can get this flippin project over and done with instead of choosing things that are worth nothing and you realize this AFTER everything is done.


GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life in general= unknown

Sometimes I wonder why everything has to be so slow at one time and then so fast and quick your heartbeat never slows until you are asleep. especially when you are trying to catch a couple of minutes of silence or peacfulness by eating out with someone or trying to calm yourself down before you burst into tears or hysterics. lovely.

it's great to know that there are other people who can relate and pray and support you, but it sucks in another way because no one else understands and even if you tell them they'll give you the "im sorry" crap.

Like they will ever know what it's like. Then they will yell at you"it happened to me too" Then give me EMPATHY and sympathy you bakano-poo.

because I am just so jumbled, I think I'll write another free-verse/lyric? I don't care...

It was just another Saturday

going downtown

just driving away

There was nothing wrong with me

but then what the heck happened

why am i like this now

it's all Saturday's fault.

truely, the fault is thine.

Saturday was just ordinary

nothing was really going on

but then it happened

and I cried all night long

on the inside, as my tears poured out of my eyes

nothing in that place could cure me

for what that's worth

In that place

it's still hard to call it home

so many times I've tried and wanted to run away

can it really be my home that way?

So many people frustrate me

and others just make my sad

but none of those experiences

can add up for this demise.

Also in that place

there are many whom I love

and care for

and would pray with all my heart to

just so they would smile

there is also them

who lift up my gloomy day

But then how is it that I

am just weary and mad?

how is it that I can be

so cruel and mean

so selfish and prideful

and still proclaim to be who I am supposed to be?

No one on this earth can save me

only the one above can lift me from the ground

Let Him be the one

to guide someone else

to save my life.

Inside I am dying.

Inside I am breaking.

Inside I hide all the pain.

Inside I bear all the looks

of hate and evil contentment.

Inside I hold the secrets

of whom only one person knows nearly all.

There is only one secret left.

How guilty am I

that I told someone else first.

That one secret

is the secret to my heart

the one that will break me

the one that could save me

the one that will surely make me cry

until I am blind

and am no longer able to see the sun

Who am I

that I can call myself who I am

and be happy with it

without another thought?

God is the reason for where and who I am

why do I take it all the glory and praise?

I should be a beggar

living on the street

watching as I go by

with a glance and a smile

wishing I was myself.

Love can be such a burden

love can be the cause of so much pain

but it is also the remedy to many things

like a broken heart in vain

There was never a time

where I was completely happy with myself

but there was a time

where I was truely happy with the world

and the chances before me

and the people beside me

and God protecting me

and my family supporting me

and my friends at my side

doing it with me.

But that generation is coming to a close

the generation is expected to go higher

the generation is expecting their leaders to step up

what if we weren't ready?

what if we had not been ready for all the struggles that were to come?

Why didn't anyone tell me the horrors

the pains

the sadness

the stress

the craziness

the lack of easiness

the loss of words

the anger

the hatred

the passionate rage

that I was to face?

Why didn't anyone tell me?

I'm just so lost

wandering off into the distance of my mind

lost in my thoughts

and the pictures of death that could possible

forsaken me.

My eyes are just so tired

from the saltiness

that fell from it

from that stupid Saturday

and today.

I'm very glad I went on Saturday

though I cried when I told myself that I would be strong

and ended crying on the bed

because I don't get many chances to see her.

and I'll be so sad.

When she is finally with God.

older posts... http://tigerpolarbearluver4eva.spaces.live.com/default.aspx?partner=wlhomepage&link=YourSpace

If anyone is feeling curious, go check out my old blog, only the last 3 are actually like meaningful and junks.

  plus you get to see my little stalker story. woo??=P....=_=

The link is in the title box!

(you have to copy paste it^=^; sorry...)

go and see, if you want! but ignore everything before september, because it's just really junk and nonsense DO NOT GO!

(somehow I have a feeling you will anyway...)

~Christina~

Media Arts

yea...I gotta be simplier. ToT my effort to put in more? Xo

I feel so soksanghae and so dapdaphae and ......what was disappointed? soulhanghae? or was that cheesy?

I had a fun conversation with Esther Jeon yesterday, and it went kinda like this..

na neun shim shim hae

na doo shim shim ha da.

moe hal ga?

ahh ya! oppa neun nuh moo cool!

and then I had to go. lol.

it's funny how fast conversation moves on msn, but how slow things go in real life, like orally.

oh poooooop and thank God! time is up! no one gets to see my powerpoint and photoshop! woooooooo!

Class is next, so i g2g nowT-T

chilllz!

Hey hey

so this is the lovely half day today....

woooooottt only 2 hours left!!!!

and there's about 10 minutes in this class........

There is probably no way that people read this nowadays, with school, unless my uhh...companion is deciding to go all out and is reading this right now.....

extreme-ness of the fact that I am just too tired is amazing. hm. 

I'mma go back and read more comics now, basically because this is a free period^^

choww

If you didn't know, being 15 STILL sucks.

So, again, I state for the third time though it's the first here...

Being 15 sucks. (x3)

But I'm feeling better, and less stressed out=) School is getting more intense, though I think I should get more into the system as ever, but my schedule, in and out of school, are still working out some kinks...

I feel so much more....mature-ish than what I was only last year. I look back and I say things about how I could've done so much better and this and that... and how much I wish I could've known how to keep in contact with my elementary school friends..

Many people are stressed out nowadays, with them freaking out, sleeping, or going crazy....
mostly the grade 12s sooo

Good luck!!!!!!!<3

There is really nothing for me to talk about right now, but when something comes up, you'll be first to know!